Every day is a new adventure as I explore my mind without the adrenaline haze. It is hard to remember a time without crippling anxiety every moment. So many memories. So many experiences to examine through this new lens. Objective observation and analysis. For example... I have dated a little since Justin died. It seems the men who are available who are also interested fade away. Most of them have nothing in common with me. Music, books, experience, anything is workable. I am not interested in them. The questions are these...
Why do I fall for and want the men who are unavailable in some way? The point of dating is to relieve loneliness by adding a companion. Someone to spend time with. Someone to talk with. Someone to share the experience of life. As it stands, since the day Justin died I have been alone. Nearly every moment of my life is spent alone. Conversations with myself became old years ago. Loneliness sucks. Yet, it is as though I want to sabotage myself by allowing myself to desire men that cannot give me the companionship I so desire.
Why? Perhaps it is fear. I have never felt worthy of love or attention. I fear they will lose their love for me once they realize what a horrible person I am inside. Is it insulting to Justin's memory if I love another man? Is it a form of self abuse? Is it ignorance? I have only had a few serious relationships and I have only been in love twice. By dating an unavailable man am I allowing myself a taste of companionship without exposing myself completely to rejection? I get to hold a hand some times. I get to feel a warm body occasionally.
Truth be told, I have always wanted to be special to someone. Irresistible. I want to look into eyes that sparkle when they look into mine. I am tender inside despite my tough exterior. A chest to bury my face in when difficult times come. I want to be vulnerable but this is impossible to accomplish with a man I hardly see or speak with. Justin was this for me for 9 short years. He would greet me at the door with a gigantic firm hug that showed his genuine happiness I was home. This is one of the things I miss most about him.
Could it be I have read too many fairy tales? Justin always insisted women were stupid because they believed Prince Charming would ride out of the darkness on a white horse to sweep her away to a castle where they would live happily ever after. Is there a dream deep inside me somewhere which believes this will happen? For so many years I would repeat "It won't always be this way. Life will be better when I am big." to myself as my mother screamed at and beat me. The interesting thing is that I never had a clear picture of what my life would be like. My friends always imagined a husband, a big house a nice car, a great job, beautiful kids running around a manicured lawn. The only thing I wanted was not to be hit and yelled at. I imagined the blissful nothingness of death more clearly than any tangible future.
I wish more than anything someone would take my hand and lead me through this. Show me the right way. Help me...
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