Survivors

So I sat in on a SOS group meeting Monday. They discussed the holidays and coping strategies to get through them. So many sad stories. Most of the people there lost their loved ones a few years ago. The man who started the group lost his wife in 1971, the year i was born. It has been four months for me, so it was a little distressing to me to find out that the years don't diminish the pain much. Their goal is to encourage people to live full and happy lives.

One lady talked about how the pain of loss helps to enrich the experience of joy. I can see what she means. I know that I have slowed down a lot, living more in the moment, and although I am not keeping in contact with many of my close friends, I have a real appreciation for the people around me and the time I spend with them.

I think this group will help me a lot, but I suspect I will help them even more. That is okay with me. All through this I have been more concerned with taking care of the people who loved Justin, than with myself. I am a caretaker. There is another meeting on the 10th. There will be a speaker who is a doctor that specializes in caring for people who have experienced a suicide.

Reality

I realized in my sleep last night, that Justin had tried to hang himself the night before he shot himself. When I got home that afternoon, he had a horrible burn on his throat. I just remembered. The lady at the pawn shop said Justin was pulling on his collar trying to hide himself. This bothered me because it wasn't one of his mannerisms.

I have been having a hard week. I guess reality is setting in that i am not going to see him again. Justin is truly gone. I cannot honestly imagine my life without him. Justin thought i was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He loved me so completely. Justin didn't notice i was aging, he always saw me like the day i met him when i was 19... I have been doing my best to keep my chin up, but it is getting really hard. The responsibility of having three kids to raise on my own is really scary to me. I owe it to them to keep from losing my shit. I don't have anyone to talk to. My close friends are nowhere to be found. I don't know if they are afraid to upset me. I imagine they are busy with their own lives. Justin's parents call, but i am careful what i say to them. I don't trust them. Justin was the only person i had to talk to for so many years. Now that he is gone, i feel like i don't have anyone. My mom tried to kill herself last week. I am so angry with her that i can't talk to her.