No posts in 2012. It was a crazy year. Ten months into 2013 and I have crawled from my grave. I have asked myself many times recently, "Why now? What is different about this day?" I cannot come up with an answer.
I am 41 now. Justin was the love of my life. I was thoroughly convinced I would never feel love for another person. I feared I might actually waste away alone. I read somewhere many widows die within the first five years of the death of their spouse. Whew...
I dated a little in 2011 which basically consisted of me making the most out of a relationship that did not exist. I am pretty good at that. My first marriage was all about making due. It lasted 8 years. The man I dated in 2011 was a good human being. He was nice, responsible and reliable. We spent a decent amount of time together considering I still had 2 kids at home. Unfortunately, he was not into me at all. I was a novelty. Young and obnoxious. He considered me a friend with benefits, but I don't have any idea what that means. Apparently I am not good at it. HAHA! I wanted to be part of his life. Instead, I was his dirty little secret. This has happened to me before, but this time was truly insulting because I feel after putting up with so much nonsense in my past, I deserve at least a little respect. It is funny that this relationship was over after 6 months, but it took an additional 6 months before I was aware it ended. Knucklehead... I learned a lot from the experience. I will not burst into flames while on a date. Hell fire and brimstone will not rain upon my noggin for kissing a man other than Justin. I am physically able to date and have an intimate relationship with a man without dying. I also learned to recognize some of the behaviors and treatment I can tolerate or overlook if I am treated with kindness. These are huge revelations for me.
One day I accidentally requested friendship with my first boyfriend via Facebook. (I fell into the social networking trap shortly after we returned to AppleTurkey.) He and I had a few conversations which were amazing. It was really fun to reconnect with someone who knew me when I was so young. Amazingly, we still had a lot of the same interests. Through him I found his little brother. This kid stuck out in my memory because his family was somewhat sketchy about him. He was different. He was around 12 when I met him for the first time. I thought he was a cool kid. He liked music that was way beyond what kids his age were listening to. His sense of humor and intellect were amazing. I loved the way he looked at things. He was innocent and wise at the same time. Over the years, I thought about him often. I tried many times to find him. I wondered what happened to him. I worried the world had worked his imagination and creativity out of him. At last word, his parents had this teenage boy on anti-depressants. I was upset. I took them myself when I was his age and they dulled me so much that I lost most of my personality when I was on them. They said he was a very troubled boy. When I was in my early 20's I actually imagined I would find him. I was convinced in my mind he was in a bad place if he were still alive. I wanted to kidnap him to give him a place to live where he would not be judged for being different. I wanted to give him a safe place to blossom and thrive. I am crazy. HAHA!
February 16, 2010 was an absolutely amazing day! I hollered at the little brother for the first time. We had an amazing conversation. He was all grown up. As he recounted his life, the fondness I felt for him as a child turned into genuine warm feelings for the man he grew to be. He pursued his interests and was known for his poetry, writing, comedy, and had become an amazing artist. I was super happy to hear he was okay and had found a way to hold on to the wonderful person he was back when. He helped me with a few school projects. During one project, we spoke on the telephone for the first time. That was it for me. I was hopelessly sprung. He sounded like a man. A soft spoken, thoughtful, funny, smart, and kind man. He loved his kids with all of his heart and stayed home with them to raise them. Lovely! There is nothing in the world that is more attractive to me than a man that loves and cares for his children. I was thrilled at how well we got along and how may things we had in common. Over the following few years, we spoke occasionally. We had some great heartfelt conversations.
Fast forward to Labor Day weekend, 2013. I believe this weekend changed the course of my life. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. July is a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary is on the 7th followed by the anniversary of Justin's death on the 10th. This year was number five. Five years without the only man who ever truly understood and accepted me for who and what I am. Five years without his compassion and love. By the end of August I was completely done. It is a horrible thing for a mother of three beautiful girls to say, I know. Knucklehead #1 moved out of my home long ago, and #2 was 17 and ready to fly the coop as well. I convinced myself my mother-in-law could provide a good environment for my little one. I had surgery at the beginning of 2013 which destroyed my short term memory. I feel like a dolt. I tried online dating which was suggested by my gay office mate. That was left me with a stalker who wanted to kill me. I was so lonely, hopeless and very very drunk Labor Day weekend. I made arrangements with my mother-in-law to care for my little one "in case something happened to me." I was up late that Sunday night seriously contemplating the least traumatizing way (for my kids) for me to make my exit. As it happens "the Kid" and I struck up a conversation days earlier. I was working on an art project. I asked an open question (more like a statement) to my friends: "Things people aren't telling me while I am alive". I kept it vague to see what kind of responses I would get. My idea was there are many things people wish they said to deceased people when they were alive. I wanted to find out what people thought others would say to them or maybe things they would say to a living person. Everyone who responded to me had a different take on it. The responses were amazing. The Kid's response was extremely candid. He opened his heart. It was amazing (for lack of a better word) and tore into my soul. He was in exactly the same place as I was. All I could think about was I wanted to save him. I asked him to have coffee with me as we had not seen each other since we reconnected. Truth be told, I imagined our meeting would be romantic. I wanted to hold him. Listen as he poured out his guts. Wishful thinking. Haha!
We talked longer than usual that night. I told him I was lonely and wished I had a shoulder to lean on. Although I said this to him many times, this time was apparently different. That night was rich with conversations about loneliness, crying ourselves to sleep, kids, pornography and masturbation. Not unusual topics. Haha! What resulted was an incredible admission of mutual love. Our conversation continued for more than 6 hours. Until the sun came up. I told him all about my fondness for him as a boy, my desire to kidnap him, my thrill at meeting again. He told me about his long standing crush. Apparently, I inspired many drawings over the years : ) I was completely shocked and beyond thrilled. I cannot imagine anyone being in love with me. Back then I was a sad sad girl. Now i am an awkward, dopey, brain damaged widow. Why did this happen now? I ask myself over and over. In reality this is the perfect time. All the experiences I have had since the night Justin stumbled into my room in 2003 nearly paralyzed and I learned of his sickness have brought me to this place. The place where I can give and receive.
I almost never look into the mirror. It brings back memories of black eyes and bloody noses my mother was kind enough to bless me with at an early age. When I look at myself now, the sad deteriorating state of my body is too much to bear. I have damaged myself in the last 5 years as widows often do. But all of that fades when I am with him. As I write this, we have been seeing each other around 2 months. It is unbelievable to me that my feelings for him grow every day. I love him. I cannot bring myself to fully admit it. Admission means I open my heart to annihilation. But then I think of him... He takes me back to a time and place where I could have been happy if I had known what happiness was. I feel youthful and beautiful when he smiles at me with his eyes. He makes me laugh the way I did before I learned how ugly and hateful the world can be. His kisses are long. They are sweet and soft as is his body and heart. The words he says to me are those of a beautiful poet. A loving man. They make me weep. When we are together we cling to each other as though a tornado were about to tear through the desert and rip us apart. I tremble when I hear his voice. It is all I can do to keep from running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs. I am scared senseless. My feelings and emotions are going crazy. I have not felt in so long this makes me feel like I am losing my mind. Even though he terrifies me I feel hope again. I have started to believe my mother and family were wrong. I am a good person. I have compassion for people. I truly care. I am sensitive. I am worthy. I feel I may have a shot at happiness in my future. I feel as though I have emerged from a dark lonely cave. Blinking my poor tired eyes in the brilliant sunlight.
