Reality? No.
It is all about illusion.
We love counterfeit.
I touch his soft hand
My heart quivers and flutters
Soon he will be gone.
Everything changes
The ebb and flow of this world
Washes away life.
Sports, sports eat your shorts
The mans scream at the tv
Seems silly to me.
The sun shone bright, hot
The day you left us alone
Why that day, my love?
Soaring high above
The freeway interchanges
Over poppy fields.
I miss your laughter
Alone with my memories
Bitter sweet, those days.
Lovely childlike man
Shines like the sun in my eyes
Playful, wise and free.
The first time I heard about Haiku was in elementary school. I was already obsessed with counting syllables. I thought it was a beautiful way to express the rhythm of words. Haha! The Haiku was not running super strong in me today. Some days it does and all my thoughts and words come out naturally with it's rhythm. That is okay. I am also tone deaf, but I still sing :)
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
I am you. You are me. We are one.
Aren't we all fundamentally the same? I believe we are pretty damn close. Here is a list of my wants; I want to be happy. I want to wake up in a good mood. I want to provide food and shelter for myself and my kids. I want there to be toilet paper in the bathroom and soap in the container. I want to get laid. I want my home to be a safe haven for my family. The world can be a truly cruel and awful place. I want to treat my loved ones with compassion and love. I hope that I will receive some back occasionally. I honestly believe life is too short to take each other for granted. It is too short to take ourselves for granted.
My life has always been about maintaining and restoring harmony. Chaos has always ruled my life. My circumstances have not always been ideal for joy and happiness. That does not mean I have not sliced out a tiny piece of happiness from each shit pie I have been fed. I can count the number of times I have woken up in a bad mood. Although I have never known pain or sorrow like I have in the last 5 years, I have also laughed harder, loved harder and found moments of pure bliss and contentment as well. My friend Bonnie told me once that I needed some good to balance all of the bad in my life. She was correct. Life will never be perfect but the bad times make the good times so much better.
People insist on arguing and fighting when really there is no point. Arguments are short when each party compromises. It is all about putting the ego aside and thinking about the other person. People forget sometimes. This is not important. Everyone makes mistakes. What is important is that we change the course when we realize we are wrong. I know a lot of people who will not back down even when they know they are wrong because they feel the need to stand their ground. Another place people get messed up is that they forget that they will benefit from being respectful and giving to another person. The more you give the more you receive. It is true! You may say this is not always the case. You are correct. Sometimes we give to people who do not want to give back. They are like black holes sucking and consuming but only ejecting a powerful beam of destruction out of their back sides. >cough< my mother and 1st husband >cough< When this happens, it seems like the best solution is to walk away. Far, far away. Do we really need black holes in our lives? I say we should pick and choose. I personally keep a couple in my life because I truly believe they do not want to be that way, but just don't know what else to do. It seems if you are aware they are a black hole, it is easier to consciously reduce the amount of energy you are willing to donate to them.
My life has always been about maintaining and restoring harmony. Chaos has always ruled my life. My circumstances have not always been ideal for joy and happiness. That does not mean I have not sliced out a tiny piece of happiness from each shit pie I have been fed. I can count the number of times I have woken up in a bad mood. Although I have never known pain or sorrow like I have in the last 5 years, I have also laughed harder, loved harder and found moments of pure bliss and contentment as well. My friend Bonnie told me once that I needed some good to balance all of the bad in my life. She was correct. Life will never be perfect but the bad times make the good times so much better.
People insist on arguing and fighting when really there is no point. Arguments are short when each party compromises. It is all about putting the ego aside and thinking about the other person. People forget sometimes. This is not important. Everyone makes mistakes. What is important is that we change the course when we realize we are wrong. I know a lot of people who will not back down even when they know they are wrong because they feel the need to stand their ground. Another place people get messed up is that they forget that they will benefit from being respectful and giving to another person. The more you give the more you receive. It is true! You may say this is not always the case. You are correct. Sometimes we give to people who do not want to give back. They are like black holes sucking and consuming but only ejecting a powerful beam of destruction out of their back sides. >cough< my mother and 1st husband >cough< When this happens, it seems like the best solution is to walk away. Far, far away. Do we really need black holes in our lives? I say we should pick and choose. I personally keep a couple in my life because I truly believe they do not want to be that way, but just don't know what else to do. It seems if you are aware they are a black hole, it is easier to consciously reduce the amount of energy you are willing to donate to them.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Now I got worry
On to my biweekly existential crisis. Nothing is perfect. This sums up my life the last 42 years. I have written about the man I am in love with. Now the cold hard truth. He is not exactly available. Actually, he is not physically available. Emotionally? Yes. However, he is not single. I tell myself although he has been with his woman for over 10 years, because my state does not recognize common law marriage, he is technically available. I tell myself that despite the fact that he has 3 children under the age of 10, because he is lonely in his relationship, he is available. Truth be told there are many times I wonder what I am doing. I am destroying what could likely be a good situation? Why? Because I am selfish. I have not ever seen myself as a selfish person. It causes me immense distress.
I think about my parents. They always told me the only reason they stayed together was for me. Through all the fights, broken dishes and blood they chose the noble path. For me. I prayed every morning and every night and several times during the day they would divorce. I had a fantasy that he would come home after one of his week long benders. Grab her by the scruff of her beauty-full neck and promptly throw her out. We lived happily ever after. Instead I faced their divorce at 17. By the time I was an old teenager, my father decided he needed to be a "man" who would come home every night after work to drink beer and lay down the law for his reckless daughter who wore too much makeup and had weird hair. My mom would scream and scream. I moved out of their house promptly at the age of 17. I still remember when my mom told me about how my father picked up food on the way home one afternoon. They sat in complete silence eating dinner together. She realized for the first time they were absolute strangers. I remember the tremendous guilt I felt when they divorced. When I looked at them I saw two desperately lonely people who were left to live without all of the comfort that came with knowing what to expect. My dad would drink himself into oblivion and she would scream and scream. I caused this. I should have stayed. Do I want this for Him? Do I want Him to feel the sadness of leaving the comfort he has known for his entire adult life? I feel sick when I think of Him experiencing this kind of pain. Can I bear to destroy another set of lives?
And so I wonder what Justin would say. No. I know what he would say after slapping me upside my head. I feel this is exactly what I need most days. Justin thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He held me to standards so high it would be impossible for any human being to live up to them in a thousand life times. Or would there be no admonishments? Would he instead wrap his loving arms around me, kiss me on the top of my head and say "Oh Mama"? The man says he loves me and wants to marry me. I do not take this lightly. Reality is that if he were single, I would have asked him to move in with us weeks ago. I would most likely be quickly on my way to marriage. I do not take this lightly either. What is the answer? I have no clue. I am not even sure what the question is, really. His happiness is my happiness. His smile is incomparable. The only thing I know for certain is that he makes me feel the fancifulness and wonder of a little girl and the intense desire of a woman.
And panties. Where did they get that name? I imagine because dogs pant when they are excited. Men are often called dogs. They pant when they see women's britches. Therefore britches are called panties? What kind of god allows things such as this??
Insecurity is stupid but it plagues everything I do. I try to interpret and understand people's behavior as well as my own. I give up. Is it important to me these days? Not really. I do not control my destiny. There is no god. There is no justice. All I have is here and now and the feeble hope that I am wrong about these matters. I am wrong often. Very often. Without fail, in fact. For now I shall allow the universe to flow over and past me. Like Balki said, "The wind blows through me like a hollow reed." I will limit my influence on the happenings in my life for as long as much as possible for as long as possible just to see how life will play out.
I think about my parents. They always told me the only reason they stayed together was for me. Through all the fights, broken dishes and blood they chose the noble path. For me. I prayed every morning and every night and several times during the day they would divorce. I had a fantasy that he would come home after one of his week long benders. Grab her by the scruff of her beauty-full neck and promptly throw her out. We lived happily ever after. Instead I faced their divorce at 17. By the time I was an old teenager, my father decided he needed to be a "man" who would come home every night after work to drink beer and lay down the law for his reckless daughter who wore too much makeup and had weird hair. My mom would scream and scream. I moved out of their house promptly at the age of 17. I still remember when my mom told me about how my father picked up food on the way home one afternoon. They sat in complete silence eating dinner together. She realized for the first time they were absolute strangers. I remember the tremendous guilt I felt when they divorced. When I looked at them I saw two desperately lonely people who were left to live without all of the comfort that came with knowing what to expect. My dad would drink himself into oblivion and she would scream and scream. I caused this. I should have stayed. Do I want this for Him? Do I want Him to feel the sadness of leaving the comfort he has known for his entire adult life? I feel sick when I think of Him experiencing this kind of pain. Can I bear to destroy another set of lives?
And so I wonder what Justin would say. No. I know what he would say after slapping me upside my head. I feel this is exactly what I need most days. Justin thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He held me to standards so high it would be impossible for any human being to live up to them in a thousand life times. Or would there be no admonishments? Would he instead wrap his loving arms around me, kiss me on the top of my head and say "Oh Mama"? The man says he loves me and wants to marry me. I do not take this lightly. Reality is that if he were single, I would have asked him to move in with us weeks ago. I would most likely be quickly on my way to marriage. I do not take this lightly either. What is the answer? I have no clue. I am not even sure what the question is, really. His happiness is my happiness. His smile is incomparable. The only thing I know for certain is that he makes me feel the fancifulness and wonder of a little girl and the intense desire of a woman.
And panties. Where did they get that name? I imagine because dogs pant when they are excited. Men are often called dogs. They pant when they see women's britches. Therefore britches are called panties? What kind of god allows things such as this??
Insecurity is stupid but it plagues everything I do. I try to interpret and understand people's behavior as well as my own. I give up. Is it important to me these days? Not really. I do not control my destiny. There is no god. There is no justice. All I have is here and now and the feeble hope that I am wrong about these matters. I am wrong often. Very often. Without fail, in fact. For now I shall allow the universe to flow over and past me. Like Balki said, "The wind blows through me like a hollow reed." I will limit my influence on the happenings in my life for as long as much as possible for as long as possible just to see how life will play out.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Twice in a lifetime??
No posts in 2012. It was a crazy year. Ten months into 2013 and I have crawled from my grave. I have asked myself many times recently, "Why now? What is different about this day?" I cannot come up with an answer.
I am 41 now. Justin was the love of my life. I was thoroughly convinced I would never feel love for another person. I feared I might actually waste away alone. I read somewhere many widows die within the first five years of the death of their spouse. Whew...
I dated a little in 2011 which basically consisted of me making the most out of a relationship that did not exist. I am pretty good at that. My first marriage was all about making due. It lasted 8 years. The man I dated in 2011 was a good human being. He was nice, responsible and reliable. We spent a decent amount of time together considering I still had 2 kids at home. Unfortunately, he was not into me at all. I was a novelty. Young and obnoxious. He considered me a friend with benefits, but I don't have any idea what that means. Apparently I am not good at it. HAHA! I wanted to be part of his life. Instead, I was his dirty little secret. This has happened to me before, but this time was truly insulting because I feel after putting up with so much nonsense in my past, I deserve at least a little respect. It is funny that this relationship was over after 6 months, but it took an additional 6 months before I was aware it ended. Knucklehead... I learned a lot from the experience. I will not burst into flames while on a date. Hell fire and brimstone will not rain upon my noggin for kissing a man other than Justin. I am physically able to date and have an intimate relationship with a man without dying. I also learned to recognize some of the behaviors and treatment I can tolerate or overlook if I am treated with kindness. These are huge revelations for me.
One day I accidentally requested friendship with my first boyfriend via Facebook. (I fell into the social networking trap shortly after we returned to AppleTurkey.) He and I had a few conversations which were amazing. It was really fun to reconnect with someone who knew me when I was so young. Amazingly, we still had a lot of the same interests. Through him I found his little brother. This kid stuck out in my memory because his family was somewhat sketchy about him. He was different. He was around 12 when I met him for the first time. I thought he was a cool kid. He liked music that was way beyond what kids his age were listening to. His sense of humor and intellect were amazing. I loved the way he looked at things. He was innocent and wise at the same time. Over the years, I thought about him often. I tried many times to find him. I wondered what happened to him. I worried the world had worked his imagination and creativity out of him. At last word, his parents had this teenage boy on anti-depressants. I was upset. I took them myself when I was his age and they dulled me so much that I lost most of my personality when I was on them. They said he was a very troubled boy. When I was in my early 20's I actually imagined I would find him. I was convinced in my mind he was in a bad place if he were still alive. I wanted to kidnap him to give him a place to live where he would not be judged for being different. I wanted to give him a safe place to blossom and thrive. I am crazy. HAHA!
February 16, 2010 was an absolutely amazing day! I hollered at the little brother for the first time. We had an amazing conversation. He was all grown up. As he recounted his life, the fondness I felt for him as a child turned into genuine warm feelings for the man he grew to be. He pursued his interests and was known for his poetry, writing, comedy, and had become an amazing artist. I was super happy to hear he was okay and had found a way to hold on to the wonderful person he was back when. He helped me with a few school projects. During one project, we spoke on the telephone for the first time. That was it for me. I was hopelessly sprung. He sounded like a man. A soft spoken, thoughtful, funny, smart, and kind man. He loved his kids with all of his heart and stayed home with them to raise them. Lovely! There is nothing in the world that is more attractive to me than a man that loves and cares for his children. I was thrilled at how well we got along and how may things we had in common. Over the following few years, we spoke occasionally. We had some great heartfelt conversations.
Fast forward to Labor Day weekend, 2013. I believe this weekend changed the course of my life. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. July is a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary is on the 7th followed by the anniversary of Justin's death on the 10th. This year was number five. Five years without the only man who ever truly understood and accepted me for who and what I am. Five years without his compassion and love. By the end of August I was completely done. It is a horrible thing for a mother of three beautiful girls to say, I know. Knucklehead #1 moved out of my home long ago, and #2 was 17 and ready to fly the coop as well. I convinced myself my mother-in-law could provide a good environment for my little one. I had surgery at the beginning of 2013 which destroyed my short term memory. I feel like a dolt. I tried online dating which was suggested by my gay office mate. That was left me with a stalker who wanted to kill me. I was so lonely, hopeless and very very drunk Labor Day weekend. I made arrangements with my mother-in-law to care for my little one "in case something happened to me." I was up late that Sunday night seriously contemplating the least traumatizing way (for my kids) for me to make my exit. As it happens "the Kid" and I struck up a conversation days earlier. I was working on an art project. I asked an open question (more like a statement) to my friends: "Things people aren't telling me while I am alive". I kept it vague to see what kind of responses I would get. My idea was there are many things people wish they said to deceased people when they were alive. I wanted to find out what people thought others would say to them or maybe things they would say to a living person. Everyone who responded to me had a different take on it. The responses were amazing. The Kid's response was extremely candid. He opened his heart. It was amazing (for lack of a better word) and tore into my soul. He was in exactly the same place as I was. All I could think about was I wanted to save him. I asked him to have coffee with me as we had not seen each other since we reconnected. Truth be told, I imagined our meeting would be romantic. I wanted to hold him. Listen as he poured out his guts. Wishful thinking. Haha!
We talked longer than usual that night. I told him I was lonely and wished I had a shoulder to lean on. Although I said this to him many times, this time was apparently different. That night was rich with conversations about loneliness, crying ourselves to sleep, kids, pornography and masturbation. Not unusual topics. Haha! What resulted was an incredible admission of mutual love. Our conversation continued for more than 6 hours. Until the sun came up. I told him all about my fondness for him as a boy, my desire to kidnap him, my thrill at meeting again. He told me about his long standing crush. Apparently, I inspired many drawings over the years : ) I was completely shocked and beyond thrilled. I cannot imagine anyone being in love with me. Back then I was a sad sad girl. Now i am an awkward, dopey, brain damaged widow. Why did this happen now? I ask myself over and over. In reality this is the perfect time. All the experiences I have had since the night Justin stumbled into my room in 2003 nearly paralyzed and I learned of his sickness have brought me to this place. The place where I can give and receive.
I almost never look into the mirror. It brings back memories of black eyes and bloody noses my mother was kind enough to bless me with at an early age. When I look at myself now, the sad deteriorating state of my body is too much to bear. I have damaged myself in the last 5 years as widows often do. But all of that fades when I am with him. As I write this, we have been seeing each other around 2 months. It is unbelievable to me that my feelings for him grow every day. I love him. I cannot bring myself to fully admit it. Admission means I open my heart to annihilation. But then I think of him... He takes me back to a time and place where I could have been happy if I had known what happiness was. I feel youthful and beautiful when he smiles at me with his eyes. He makes me laugh the way I did before I learned how ugly and hateful the world can be. His kisses are long. They are sweet and soft as is his body and heart. The words he says to me are those of a beautiful poet. A loving man. They make me weep. When we are together we cling to each other as though a tornado were about to tear through the desert and rip us apart. I tremble when I hear his voice. It is all I can do to keep from running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs. I am scared senseless. My feelings and emotions are going crazy. I have not felt in so long this makes me feel like I am losing my mind. Even though he terrifies me I feel hope again. I have started to believe my mother and family were wrong. I am a good person. I have compassion for people. I truly care. I am sensitive. I am worthy. I feel I may have a shot at happiness in my future. I feel as though I have emerged from a dark lonely cave. Blinking my poor tired eyes in the brilliant sunlight.
I am 41 now. Justin was the love of my life. I was thoroughly convinced I would never feel love for another person. I feared I might actually waste away alone. I read somewhere many widows die within the first five years of the death of their spouse. Whew...
I dated a little in 2011 which basically consisted of me making the most out of a relationship that did not exist. I am pretty good at that. My first marriage was all about making due. It lasted 8 years. The man I dated in 2011 was a good human being. He was nice, responsible and reliable. We spent a decent amount of time together considering I still had 2 kids at home. Unfortunately, he was not into me at all. I was a novelty. Young and obnoxious. He considered me a friend with benefits, but I don't have any idea what that means. Apparently I am not good at it. HAHA! I wanted to be part of his life. Instead, I was his dirty little secret. This has happened to me before, but this time was truly insulting because I feel after putting up with so much nonsense in my past, I deserve at least a little respect. It is funny that this relationship was over after 6 months, but it took an additional 6 months before I was aware it ended. Knucklehead... I learned a lot from the experience. I will not burst into flames while on a date. Hell fire and brimstone will not rain upon my noggin for kissing a man other than Justin. I am physically able to date and have an intimate relationship with a man without dying. I also learned to recognize some of the behaviors and treatment I can tolerate or overlook if I am treated with kindness. These are huge revelations for me.
One day I accidentally requested friendship with my first boyfriend via Facebook. (I fell into the social networking trap shortly after we returned to AppleTurkey.) He and I had a few conversations which were amazing. It was really fun to reconnect with someone who knew me when I was so young. Amazingly, we still had a lot of the same interests. Through him I found his little brother. This kid stuck out in my memory because his family was somewhat sketchy about him. He was different. He was around 12 when I met him for the first time. I thought he was a cool kid. He liked music that was way beyond what kids his age were listening to. His sense of humor and intellect were amazing. I loved the way he looked at things. He was innocent and wise at the same time. Over the years, I thought about him often. I tried many times to find him. I wondered what happened to him. I worried the world had worked his imagination and creativity out of him. At last word, his parents had this teenage boy on anti-depressants. I was upset. I took them myself when I was his age and they dulled me so much that I lost most of my personality when I was on them. They said he was a very troubled boy. When I was in my early 20's I actually imagined I would find him. I was convinced in my mind he was in a bad place if he were still alive. I wanted to kidnap him to give him a place to live where he would not be judged for being different. I wanted to give him a safe place to blossom and thrive. I am crazy. HAHA!
February 16, 2010 was an absolutely amazing day! I hollered at the little brother for the first time. We had an amazing conversation. He was all grown up. As he recounted his life, the fondness I felt for him as a child turned into genuine warm feelings for the man he grew to be. He pursued his interests and was known for his poetry, writing, comedy, and had become an amazing artist. I was super happy to hear he was okay and had found a way to hold on to the wonderful person he was back when. He helped me with a few school projects. During one project, we spoke on the telephone for the first time. That was it for me. I was hopelessly sprung. He sounded like a man. A soft spoken, thoughtful, funny, smart, and kind man. He loved his kids with all of his heart and stayed home with them to raise them. Lovely! There is nothing in the world that is more attractive to me than a man that loves and cares for his children. I was thrilled at how well we got along and how may things we had in common. Over the following few years, we spoke occasionally. We had some great heartfelt conversations.
Fast forward to Labor Day weekend, 2013. I believe this weekend changed the course of my life. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. July is a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary is on the 7th followed by the anniversary of Justin's death on the 10th. This year was number five. Five years without the only man who ever truly understood and accepted me for who and what I am. Five years without his compassion and love. By the end of August I was completely done. It is a horrible thing for a mother of three beautiful girls to say, I know. Knucklehead #1 moved out of my home long ago, and #2 was 17 and ready to fly the coop as well. I convinced myself my mother-in-law could provide a good environment for my little one. I had surgery at the beginning of 2013 which destroyed my short term memory. I feel like a dolt. I tried online dating which was suggested by my gay office mate. That was left me with a stalker who wanted to kill me. I was so lonely, hopeless and very very drunk Labor Day weekend. I made arrangements with my mother-in-law to care for my little one "in case something happened to me." I was up late that Sunday night seriously contemplating the least traumatizing way (for my kids) for me to make my exit. As it happens "the Kid" and I struck up a conversation days earlier. I was working on an art project. I asked an open question (more like a statement) to my friends: "Things people aren't telling me while I am alive". I kept it vague to see what kind of responses I would get. My idea was there are many things people wish they said to deceased people when they were alive. I wanted to find out what people thought others would say to them or maybe things they would say to a living person. Everyone who responded to me had a different take on it. The responses were amazing. The Kid's response was extremely candid. He opened his heart. It was amazing (for lack of a better word) and tore into my soul. He was in exactly the same place as I was. All I could think about was I wanted to save him. I asked him to have coffee with me as we had not seen each other since we reconnected. Truth be told, I imagined our meeting would be romantic. I wanted to hold him. Listen as he poured out his guts. Wishful thinking. Haha!
We talked longer than usual that night. I told him I was lonely and wished I had a shoulder to lean on. Although I said this to him many times, this time was apparently different. That night was rich with conversations about loneliness, crying ourselves to sleep, kids, pornography and masturbation. Not unusual topics. Haha! What resulted was an incredible admission of mutual love. Our conversation continued for more than 6 hours. Until the sun came up. I told him all about my fondness for him as a boy, my desire to kidnap him, my thrill at meeting again. He told me about his long standing crush. Apparently, I inspired many drawings over the years : ) I was completely shocked and beyond thrilled. I cannot imagine anyone being in love with me. Back then I was a sad sad girl. Now i am an awkward, dopey, brain damaged widow. Why did this happen now? I ask myself over and over. In reality this is the perfect time. All the experiences I have had since the night Justin stumbled into my room in 2003 nearly paralyzed and I learned of his sickness have brought me to this place. The place where I can give and receive.
I almost never look into the mirror. It brings back memories of black eyes and bloody noses my mother was kind enough to bless me with at an early age. When I look at myself now, the sad deteriorating state of my body is too much to bear. I have damaged myself in the last 5 years as widows often do. But all of that fades when I am with him. As I write this, we have been seeing each other around 2 months. It is unbelievable to me that my feelings for him grow every day. I love him. I cannot bring myself to fully admit it. Admission means I open my heart to annihilation. But then I think of him... He takes me back to a time and place where I could have been happy if I had known what happiness was. I feel youthful and beautiful when he smiles at me with his eyes. He makes me laugh the way I did before I learned how ugly and hateful the world can be. His kisses are long. They are sweet and soft as is his body and heart. The words he says to me are those of a beautiful poet. A loving man. They make me weep. When we are together we cling to each other as though a tornado were about to tear through the desert and rip us apart. I tremble when I hear his voice. It is all I can do to keep from running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs. I am scared senseless. My feelings and emotions are going crazy. I have not felt in so long this makes me feel like I am losing my mind. Even though he terrifies me I feel hope again. I have started to believe my mother and family were wrong. I am a good person. I have compassion for people. I truly care. I am sensitive. I am worthy. I feel I may have a shot at happiness in my future. I feel as though I have emerged from a dark lonely cave. Blinking my poor tired eyes in the brilliant sunlight.
Monday, July 1, 2013
In the land of the lost
Another July. Another July. Another July. Another July spent desperately trying to find a reason. I understand I have an obligation to my children, but goddamit. My oldest has been gone for a few years and my 17 year old will fly the coop before the end of the year. My little one is 6 now and really could be cared for by Justin's mother. She is a ding bat, but she has a wonderful loving heart. Should my baby girl be subjected to the secluded meaningless life she lives with a crazy and unhappy mother? Is it fair to her? She is beautiful and deserves so much more than I fear I will ever have the capacity to offer her. My memory and brain problems are getting worse. I don't think I see the point any longer. I used to cherish the brief moments of fun or contentment but all of that is gone for me. I am completely ashamed of the person I am. I feel terrible for Justin and my kids. I feel terrible for my parents. i have caused so much pain and animosity for the people I have loved. I want to go away from all of them. I should go away. My mom always told me I was a curse. As much as I hate to admit she was right...
If only I could find a way to exit without causing a bunch of trauma. My poor kids have had enough. No one else cares. I would be that woman. "Oh she died? That is too bad." At this point my Dad does not want anything to do with me. I tried so hard to build a relationship with him. We hardly knew each other when I was a child. I wanted so badly for him to care about me. Honestly have feelings for me instead of simply obligation to me.
So my therapist insists I do not really want to end my life. She believes I am just desperate for change. I don't know what to think. If I am too afraid of the aftermath, then I am left alone with this choking loneliness. I am impotent. A frightened little mouse as I have always been. My soul is mostly worn out. I am tired. I am ashamed to show reckless ingratitude for my life. If I had cancer, I would be praying to god to live. >sigh< I just want to sleep. God damn me for backing myself into this corner...
If only I could find a way to exit without causing a bunch of trauma. My poor kids have had enough. No one else cares. I would be that woman. "Oh she died? That is too bad." At this point my Dad does not want anything to do with me. I tried so hard to build a relationship with him. We hardly knew each other when I was a child. I wanted so badly for him to care about me. Honestly have feelings for me instead of simply obligation to me.
So my therapist insists I do not really want to end my life. She believes I am just desperate for change. I don't know what to think. If I am too afraid of the aftermath, then I am left alone with this choking loneliness. I am impotent. A frightened little mouse as I have always been. My soul is mostly worn out. I am tired. I am ashamed to show reckless ingratitude for my life. If I had cancer, I would be praying to god to live. >sigh< I just want to sleep. God damn me for backing myself into this corner...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)