Another July. Another July. Another July. Another July spent desperately trying to find a reason. I understand I have an obligation to my children, but goddamit. My oldest has been gone for a few years and my 17 year old will fly the coop before the end of the year. My little one is 6 now and really could be cared for by Justin's mother. She is a ding bat, but she has a wonderful loving heart. Should my baby girl be subjected to the secluded meaningless life she lives with a crazy and unhappy mother? Is it fair to her? She is beautiful and deserves so much more than I fear I will ever have the capacity to offer her. My memory and brain problems are getting worse. I don't think I see the point any longer. I used to cherish the brief moments of fun or contentment but all of that is gone for me. I am completely ashamed of the person I am. I feel terrible for Justin and my kids. I feel terrible for my parents. i have caused so much pain and animosity for the people I have loved. I want to go away from all of them. I should go away. My mom always told me I was a curse. As much as I hate to admit she was right...
If only I could find a way to exit without causing a bunch of trauma. My poor kids have had enough. No one else cares. I would be that woman. "Oh she died? That is too bad." At this point my Dad does not want anything to do with me. I tried so hard to build a relationship with him. We hardly knew each other when I was a child. I wanted so badly for him to care about me. Honestly have feelings for me instead of simply obligation to me.
So my therapist insists I do not really want to end my life. She believes I am just desperate for change. I don't know what to think. If I am too afraid of the aftermath, then I am left alone with this choking loneliness. I am impotent. A frightened little mouse as I have always been. My soul is mostly worn out. I am tired. I am ashamed to show reckless ingratitude for my life. If I had cancer, I would be praying to god to live. >sigh< I just want to sleep. God damn me for backing myself into this corner...
