Are the kids alright?

Quite a disappointing month for everyone in the house. Shit does not want to fall into place. Timing is off for everything to work the way we hope it will.

I watched a dumb movie about a widow who went crazy without support. I am beginning to wonder how I am able to cope with my life when the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my therapist. Donno. I wonder why Justin didn't take me with him. He knew I would be fucked here without him. Now I feel obligated to stay here even though in my heart I don't feel I am needed. I hate this town more every day we are here. I feel my optimism for the future being chipped away. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't have any tangible goals. No direction. No hope. I feel July creeping up on me. I hate that the one month I always anticipated as the best time for everything to work itself out is now the month I dread most.

My poor gals are in turmoil. I can feel the stress behind their little smiling faces. It kills me that I am not the mother I wanted to be. It kills me that I can't protect them from all the heartache this stupid place has to offer. A junkie shooting heroin into his girlfriend's neck in the grocery store parking lot. Creepy homeless guys leering at them. All the relatives here are sick and dying from treatable illnesses.

May has always been bad. June? We shall see...

Teenage wasteland

I swear my teenagers will be the death of me... The mood swings that come with puberty make me want to smash my skull with a hammer. When it is good, it is very good. When it is bad, it is very bad. My emotions have finally stopped swinging wildly. Now I have to deal with being out numbered by crazy people. I miss crying on Justin's shoulder. He was my rock. That fucker knew how much he meant to me. He knew how much I would need him. >sigh<

It's been a long time since I've rocked and rolled

The third anniversary of Justin's death is coming up quickly. The 5th anniversary of Justin's first suicide attempt just passed. My oldest (now 18 and about to graduate high school), moved out of the house in March. My middle one has had a personality change. She is now my right hand gal! The little one is now 4 years old and a sassy as all git-up. Her Daddy would be proud of all of them!

As for myself, 2 1/2 years of counseling has begun to pay off. It has been an ugly torture, but I am beginning to come out of the haze. I will have completed 3 years at the community college here. I will start as a Sophmore at UNM in the fall. I can't believe I have almost 1/2 of the core classes done. This will be a new adventure for me. It has been a time of change for all of us. So far, so good! : )