School, kids, sick, house and pets. I am a glutton for punishment and stress. I survived the 3rd anniversary of Justin's death and what would have been his 35th birthday. Sucky but somewhat better than last year.
I have spoken with a few friends who are experiencing incredibly dumb problems with their significant problems with their spouses, boy friends, girl friends, ect. I don't understand this at all. Sure, Justin and I had problems. I think it is impossible to live with another person without some kind of conflict. Everyone is irritable sometimes.
When Justin was alive, I would always remind myself during the difficult times when his emotions (or mine) were out of control, I loved him. I forgot this during the last 3 months of his life. I cherished every moment good and bad with him for the entire 8 years we were together except those blasted last months of his life. I will always beat myself up over this. I should have taken time to talk with him. I should have tried to pull him out of his emotional spiral. Instead, I gave him every right to believe his wife did not care. What is my excuse? I was busy with work, school, running the kids around, grocery shopping, ect. Sure... I was insuring his physical needs but I completely neglected his need for companionship and love. Were these good excuses? I tell myself they were. I tell myself there was nothing more I could have done. Truth is I was running on empty at the time. I slept poorly or not at all. The stress of caring for him and the girls was too much for me. I had no hope for help. I tried desperately to coordinate a move to Dallas so we could be closer to Justin's father. I hoped he would take some of the pressure off me by taking Justin to some of his doctor appointments.
When I look at my friends, I become extremely frustrated. I want to scream at them: At least you have a partner! Why are you taking them for granted when life is so short and can end in the blink of an eye?! How would you feel if they died suddenly and you were never able to apologize for your stupidity?! You would feel like a worthless piece of shit just like I do. We have to hold on to one another and always remember the things and happenings around us are insignificant when compared with the finalness of death. Death ends the story.
