The beautiful land of disenchantment

I have been working on a little rocking chair in my Carpentry class! I started it in august and I am STILL working on it! I sanded it until my hand felt like it was asleep last night. : ) I started working on some floating shelves for the rest of class. They are actually almost done! This class has been a real life saver for me! It gives me time to just be, and not think about my troubles. I have to be focused to avoid losing a finger! I have class with some really great guys. It is nice being around men because they don't want to talk about anything deep. They just want to tell inappropriate jokes. This makes me laugh (which I have really needed!). One of the guys has a crush on me. He is an 18 year old learning disabled (and cute) little mexican guy. If I didn't know better, I would say he is a paint sniffer. He looks totally normal, but he has that slurred speach and lumbering walk of a paint sniffer. He follows me around the shop and helps me cut my wood. He is really a sweet kid. I don't mind him hanging around, but I feel uncomfortable that he makes googly eyes at me the whole time. Not because of him so much as I still feel like a married woman, and I feel like I am acting inappropriately. My main buddy is an unemployed carpenter named Arnold. He is going through the classes so he can get a certificate, and hopefully more/better paying work. He is a really awesome person. He is a short, pudgy hispanic guy who wears a cowboy hat, girlie teeshirts, and has gauge earrings. In Seattle, this may not be strange, but in Albuquerque, it is downright weird! He is 4 years older than I, but he calls me "Mija". It makes me smile. : ) He answers my stupid questions, and helps me cut stuff. He has finished two curio cabinets, a pool table, and two rocking chairs in the time it has taken me to build my chair! He is working on a huge entertainment center now. He will probably have that finished by our next class tomorrow.

I am so stressed out about how i am going to make my Jan rent payment, I can't study much. sucks. I am hoping I can do well enough in my classes to maintian my grade point average. The welfare office decided I am getting $270 mo in child support. HAHAHAHAAAA!! Anyway, they dropped my benefits from a whopping $539 mo to $268 mo. It is interesting trying to figure out how to make ends meet with 4 people in my family! Going to try to make an appointment with financial aid to see if they can help. Also looking into bankruptsy. I am also facing the loss of my car. jason's bio-mother has offered to make my car payment for me next month, but I honestly don't know how I will make the payment after that! Car payment is $340 mo! It would suck to lose my car at this point. I only owe $2000 on it for peeite's sake! I have come to terms with losing it, but the bad part is that the bus system SUCKS out here! If we were in Seattle, I wouldn't worry at all!

We went to Justin's mom's for his birthday. I skipped my carpentry class. she bought a beautiful evergreen tree (not sure what kind) and a bunch of supplies to make ornaments for the girls. It was as a really mellow night. We all had fun. She made dinner for us. Chicken, squash, and her homemade mac and cheese Justin loved so much. She is a vegitarian, so i think it is funny she made a whole chicken for us. She had to suck it up when Justin lived with her because he was the most extreme non-vegitarian alive! My oldest fooled with Leslie's cat, and it attacked her! He mangeled her arm pretty bad. We had cake and sang "happy birthday" to him. I think we were all happy to do something to honor him. It's funny how you are not sure how to celebrate a person after they are gone. You feel like you should do something, but it is like feeling around in the dark. Leslie wants the girls to make ornaments for him (and his tree) every year. The middle one had the idea to do it for father's day, too. How sweet is that? Leslie also gave the girls Halloween goodie bags. She has a knack for knowing just the right stuff to put in her holiday bags. She gave the gals some cash for Halloween costumes, too! Yes, my girls are big and yes, they still dress up. They both have parties to go to. This will be the first year the little one and I will be alone for Halloween. Sadness.....

I have been real lonesome the last few months. My pal Bonnie is mad at me for something. I imagine it is either because I asked her to watch Popie for the Forth of July, the night I had to drive myself to the emergency room because I was covered in hives and couldn't breathe (and spent the next week teetering on death) OR it is because I gave her a hard time about her daughter. I got an email from her daughter while (her daughter) was on vacation in Colorado. She spent the day fishing, and caught her first fish. She was so excited, but she missed Bonnie online and couldn't tell her about it. She started feeling really bad for having time without Bonnie. She knows Bonnie is miserable when she is gone. Anyway, I told her Bonnie is a big girl, and that she should live it up while on vacation. I haven't heard from Bonnie since. I give up trying to figure her out. We have taken such different paths in our lives. I am an old fuddy-duddy mother now. She still gets tattoos with her rent money. It sucks mostly because she was my only friend here. The plethora of calls I got after Justin died really spoiled me! Now the phone has stopped ringing, the kids are teenagers (don't want to talk to their mother), and I am left alone. Don't get me wrong, the little one is super entertaining, but it would be wonderful to have dinner or even coffee with an adult every so once and a while... I am sad that there is a new Saw movie. The movies are the stupidest waste of time, but Justin and I used to watch them together (for some reason!). It breaks my heart that we will not sit holding hands and laughing at the spectical...

On a lighter note... We went to the Balloon Fiesta 8 times in the two weeks it was going on. Once in the morning, once at night. They have a balloon glow followed by a firework display at night. The girls insisted on bringing our new kitten the first morning. The middle one ran across the parking lot because she was so excited! We spent the night at the balloon field for the Balloon Fiesta! It was so great! My dad parked his little camp trailer for us. The middle one brought her friend. It is amazing to wake up, walk out your door (with a piping cup of joe), and be surrounded by hundreds of beautiful hot air balloons! I love the brisk mornings in October. The sunrise is always spectacular this time of year. Oh yeah, the kids had fun, too! : )

I also reunited with my best friend from high school, EJ!! I haven't seen him in 20 years. The last time I saw him, he was leaving for the Navy. He is now a retired officer who works at the Pentagon! Yes, I asked him all kinds of questions but like a good boy he didn't give me any classified information... DAMN!!! : ) He hasn't aged a day. He is now a handsome slice of beefcake! He was with his equally handsome roommate. I blushed... We visited for a couple of hours. I wish we could have spent the whole day together. It was really wonderful to see him! Yes, I am humping his leg. Shut up...

Rain went to homecoming with her boyfriend, Rin. She looked so beautiful. He is a cutie! I can't believe how big she has gotten. My girl is almost grown!

I have been furiously working on two shawls. I am making one for Nammer (Justin's Gramma), and one for my Gramma Bennie. I am 2 1/2 rows away from finishing Nammers. I will post picts when I am done. I get to crochet a lot now. I pick up my hook when I take a break from doing homework. I take a lot of breaks! I want to make something for each of my friends. Luckily, I don't have many... : )

Can you believe it has been a year?

One year ago our lives were very different than they are now. Some things were better then, some are better now. I have been sick for almost 2 weeks. It started with a stomach flu, which cleared up. I got really bad hives and stomach cramps on the forth of July. Drove myself to the emergency room. The girls went to visit their grandmother in Minnesota. I started to feel a little better, but then I got sick again. I had many different ideas about how I wanted to spend the anniversary of Justin's death. In the end, I spent the day puking my guts out. I was so sick I thought I was going to die. Justin's mom picked up the tiny gal and kept her for 3 days. During that time, I thought about everything that has happened in my life in the last 10 years. I got homesick for the people in Seattle. I didn't have many friends there, but they were really nice people.

This week...

I think it is safe to say this week has been the loneliest time in my life. I have always been okay by myself, but as the 1 year anniversary of Justin's death approaches, I find I am alone. Not just the alone of not having a significant other. I feel very small and lost as I struggle to figure out who I am. I have spent so much time focusing my life on my family, I still don't know who I am. I imagine it will get more difficult as July approaches.

Spring!

Thanks to my dear and beautiful friend, Becky, I am able to attach pictures to my post again! When my camera broke, she ordered a new one for me! She prentended not to know I broke my camera, and had me wondering what she bought for me for over a week! I was so surprised I almost peed my pants! She is a stinker, but I love her with all my heart! The camera is pink. I think this is the most hilarious thing ever! It works like a dream! I am still learning how to use it. It has a lot more options than my last camera.

So I have made it through the 2nd term! All b's this time. Not bad since I really didn't do much studying. I am glad to have a break before the insanity of the next term starts. The summer term will be my first with all college level classes. I am going to use my time off to work up a schedule for myself and the girls. I found out yesterday I weigh nearly 189 lbs! I need to get off my fat butt!

Diabetes has devastated my family as everyone is overweight. My dad's blood sugar is so high, his doctor is considering putting him on injected insulin. He has not been taking care of himself. He has been busy caring for his parents. Most of his brothers and sisters are taking turns spending the night with my grandparents. Pam's mom cleans their house and bathes them, my dad takes them to the doctor. My grandmother is going through kidney failure, and has an enlarged heart. It is a really sad situation. My dad is terrified every time he moves his mother from her bed to a chair because she has such a difficult time breathing. Her doctor has told the family she will die of a massive heart attack. I don't think my dad could handle it if she passed away on his watch.

MS update: Since the last time I posted, I have had mri's of my brain, neck, and spine. There does not appear to be any new damage to my brain. (WHOO HOOOO!!!) My neck and spine are free of lesions. I was hooked up to electrodes and watched flashing lights on a television screen (reminded me of the Apple computers we used to use in middle school). This test made my eyes flutter like I was having a seisure. Weird. Then they hooked up electrical stimulators to my legs and feet. This was really strange. Basically, they ran electricity into my foot which made my toes twitch. The sensation was a lot like your foot falling asleep and someone smacking it with a board. This was really painful! The reason they did this test was to measure the time it takes for the sensation to register in my brain. (MS patients have a delay) Both of these tests came out clear! The neurologist told me I would go on yearly MRI's (instead of every 6 months). I decided to have a spinal tap. I have been terrified of doing this for the entire 2 1/2 years since MS has been on the table, but I figure I don't want this hanging over my head anymore. I am trying to make a fresh start in the rest of my life. The spinal tap was easier than I thought it would be. I hoped they would sedate me, but I was completely sobor. It is weird laying on a bed knowing you are going to have a 4" needle stuck into your spine while you are completely aware of what is happening. I felt like I was being stapled to the bed. It was another really strange sensation. They took blood, too. They are testing the blood and my spinal fluid for a lot of things other than MS, like lupus. I will get the results on May 19th. I have a good feeling. I think the tests are going to come back clear, and I will be able to go on with my life!
The girls are doing great! The oldest has made a bunch of friends at school. Both are passing all of their classes. They are looking forward to summer break. The middle one is going to start softball in the next couple of weeks. It should be fun for all of us! Neither girl wants to help with chores. This is the only problem I have with them. They are 16 and 13 now. These are the ages I have been dreading since the day I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd. They bicker constantly. They steal each other's clothes and harass each other. The middle one has become very camera shy. I think this is hilarious since she has always been a ham in front of the camera. Both girls are in desperate need of a hair cut. My oldest is really self conscious about her pale skin. Yesterday she almost cried at the store because she wants to wear dresses and shorts, but her legs are ultra white. I told her there is no shame in having light skin. She replied, "I am NOT a white girl! That is not my heritage!". Viva la Raza! The middle one has always had darker skin, so she fits right in here. I am so proud to say Albuquerque is now the proud owner of the largest crime scene in American history! I watched America's Most Wanted the other night just to see the fabulous mesa on television. It looks like this pict was taken from that area. For those that don't know the area, we live within a mile of the base of this mountain. My dad lives up in the canyon just east of Albuquerque. I found this really beautiful picture of Albuquerque. Sunset is one of the most beautiful times of day here. We have been having beautiful weather this week. It should get into the mid 80's today.

The tiny girl has started talking a lot! She is a little chatter box. She says the funniest things and sings the cutest songs! Her favorites right now are: "Oh Man!" and "Stop it!". She uses the last one with her sisters all the time! I took her to the doctor yesterday. She is 3 feet tall! She is the size of a three-four year old. I have started potty training her. That is going okay. She is still not quite grasping the concept, but has gone pee pee in the potty three times! This is my favorite age. My favorite thing in the world is when toddlers start playing. I love to eavesdrop on the games they play when they think no one is watching!

My One True Love

Here is the song Justin wrote for me (and sang to me) last Valentine's Day....

"My one true love through thick and thin
Sickness and health
Poor and wealth
Good and bad
My true Valentine
Always
To have and to hold
Till we're old and gray
And this world has left us behind
Our love will live on long after this crazy world is gone
And I know you will always be mine
My love"
I love you, Valentino De La O, where ever you are................ >sigh<

What a week

Nothing overly dramatic happened to us gals this week, but it was an especially hard week for me. Although everyone would agree I am holding up well, I am actually spiraling deeper into depression. I am really good at hiding my sadness. I have been terribly lonesome for Justin. He has been gone 7 months now. It seems like yesterday. In the first couple of months after Justin's death, people called constantly to make sure me and the girls were okay, but now so many months later, everyone has settled back into their lives. Some of Justin's friends and family who were supportive at first, have come to resent some of the choices I made just prior to and just after his death. I don't hold it against them. I have done the best I can with everything. I have definitely made mistakes, but given how completely devastated I am, I think I have done okay. I have too many questions. No matter how I search, I can't find the answers to sufficiently put my mind at rest. I wish they would not hold it against me. Anyway, I have spent a lot of time crying this week. Feeling sorry for myself, the girls, and Justin. We just wanted to be happy, goddammit! I guess that is the way this place is set up, though. I tell myself this is all part of something I am supposed to learn.

My mother has been given notice that she will lose her apartment in the coming months. She is going to be moved into a woman's home. Sounds to me like she is going to be committed. She will live in a facility where people can take care of her. I think it is the best thing for her, really. I feel sad for her, but this is what she has wanted for years. She won't have to take responsibility for herself, and she will be in a place where she won't get hurt. Sucks, though. >sigh<

My grandmother has been in the hospital. She spent her 82nd birthday there. We visited her. She was really happy to see me and the girls. The tiny one had Monkey with her, and made my grandmother laugh the whole time we were there with her. She has a knack for making people feel good! My poor grandmother is facing kidney failure, and something is going on with her lungs. They can't figure out what, but it is making it hard for her to breathe. Getting old is a bitch.

My dad, his brothers, and sisters are taking turns dropping my grandfather off at the hospital. He spends the whole day sitting with her. My grandmother said there is a guy who goes room to room playing guitar for the patients. He is a volunteer. He went into my grandmother's room and said "I hear today is your birthday. Would you like me to play a song for you?". She said yes, but my grandfather asked, "Do you play mariachis?". The man said no, and my grandfather started yelling at him to get out of the room! I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes when I heard this story! Poor guy! I hope I am this ornery when I get old!

I am writing right now to avoid studying for a chemistry test. I think I have wasted a sufficient amount of time. :)

I CAN'T WAIT FOR SPRING!!!!!!

Winter is almost over. I am extremely excited for Spring. After 8 years in Seattle, it will be wonderful to experience ALL of the seasons! We have been enjoying high 50 degree temperatures, which have been wonderful! I have had a few days this week where I have been able to wear a sweatshirt instead of a coat! The smallest one has been enjoying the weather, too. She loves to run up and down the sidewalk when we pick Knucklehead number one up from school each afternoon. The little one just got a "big girl bed"!!! Tonight is her first night. I cried when my step mom dropped it off for her. My tiny girl is a big girl now! : )

I have been feeling a little weird and realized I have not seen a neurologist since we have been here. I need to have them review the old and new MRIs so they will hopefully give me another year without MS medication. I am keeping my fingers crossed! I tried to post copies of the last MRI I had done in Seattle, but I can't figure out how to get the .jpg2000 pictures loaded onto my computer. Too bad. They are really cool looking. The way the studies are set up on the disk, you can literally scroll back and forth inside my head. The part that shows my eyeballs freaks me out! They look really scary. I am absolutely fascinated by the pictures! I wish I could have a copy of Justin's various MRIs. I have a few life-sized xrays he had done by a chiropractor. I wish I knew how to scan them, or copy them somehow. They look just like him, well just like him on the inside, I guess. They will eventually fade as they age, as far as I know.

It is 11pm and I just finished taking a couple of tests for my computer class. I had my chemistry class this afternoon, too. I got a 95% on my first test, but I am going to have to spend a lot of time studying the information we learned tonight. I have a test Wed. Wish me luck! I was up until 1 this morning working on an english paper, so I think I need to get to bed. Until next time.....

Oh, Man...

My camera broke a couple of days ago. I am going through MAJOR withdrawal! I LOVE pictures! I even love to look at pictures of people I don't know. I am fascinated at the expressions, the mood, and the background stories behind the photographs. I certainly am no professional, like my friend Cynthia. I imagine her working for a magazine like National Geographic. She has an amazing eye and would come back from some exotic place with the most amazing photographs! BUT, I am a shutter bug. Sometimes I get lucky and take a good picture.

The girls and I FINALLY started therapy! I was looking forward to it, but after 2 sessions, I have realized that I am a very screwed up individual! I think it is going to take years for me to get my head together. In some ways, it doesn't seem worth the effort it is going to take. What else do I have to do, really?? The therapist is kind've a crotchety lady, but she asks questions which make me think. She is willing to listen to me.

My 2nd term at school has started with a bang! After the first week of reading in my Philosophy book, I am hooked! This crap is right up my alley. Especially now that I am questioning my beliefs and trying to figure out who I am. It seems to merge nicely with all the books I have been reading about religion, reincarnation and the afterlife.

My chemistry teacher looks just like my dad. He goes off on tangents like most good-natured hispanic people. During our first class, he asked each of us to give a brief description of ourselves to the class. After each person spoke, he would say, "Oh, I have a cousin who has worked as a physical therapist for years." or "My sister got her degree in criminal justice to spite her ex-husband, then refused to work in the field." He had a comment to add after each of us said something. He is a man after my own heart! He seems to use a common sense approach to teaching, which is great for someone like me.

My oldest is starting to speak Spanish at home! (Pisses me off because she refused to speak Spanish with me when I was in my class!) It is really cute. She has been having a rough time. Being a teenager is tough sometimes. Remember when you realized your parents were idiots? How in the world did they manage to raise you much less keep you alive?? That is where she is. I make it hard on her because I keep dropping the ball when she needs me.

I guess that is it for now. I have a pile of homework to finish and a dirty diaper to change.....

My Pumpkin Turns 2!!!

It is hard to believe she is two years old. It feels like I have known her all my life. We spent the evening at Bonnie's house. We spend a surprising amount of time there. Bonnie has been a great friend to me since we have been back. She drops by for coffee or invites us over occasionally. Anyway, my pumpkin had a great birthday! She is addicted to Yo Gabba Gabba! in the worst way. (For any of you who don't have kids, Yo Gabba Gabba! is the most awesome kid show EVER!!! They play the most awesome grovin' songs.) My dad and step-mom bought Yo G G tennis shoes for her for Christmas. She does not want to take them off! I have to hide them at bedtime or she would wear them 24 hours a day!

She got a guitar that plays two songs for each of the 5 characters on the show. The little girl is in ECSTASY! She wanted to sleep with this, too! Thank the lord there is an "off" switch on this toy. Songs for little kids are very repetitious!

My oldest made a funfetti birthday cake and wrote her a cute message in espanol! She doesn't know how to blow, so we all blew the candles out for her! She enjoyed playing with the frosting, and stabbing the cake was a great time!































































She spent a lot of time dancing while Sister played Guitar Hero, but the best part of the night was when she found the empty wrapping paper tube!

The Girls at the Beginning of the New Year

Trying out something new. Becky suggested I start a blog for anyone interested in keeping up with my little family. Thank you, Becky!

Anyway, we are officially in a new year. 2008 was by far the most traumatic of my life. So much loss for me and my girls. I learned so many lessons last year. It will take years to fully absorb. 2008 was full of sadness watching Justin, someone I loved dearly succumb to illness and take his own life. We lost our home, friends and the dream that took us to Seattle to begin with. I am a very optimistic person inside, though I don't tend to share it with many people. I come off as a Debbie Downer. This distresses me. It is something I work on (believe it or not!).

I have gained a new sense of community. I am amazed by the way the people who barely knew me and my family rallied behind us. The kind people at Flagstar Bank took up collections, held a bake sale, and James gave chair massages for an entire day for donations! Because of their efforts and kindness (and the generosity of so many other friends), I was able to move my family back to New Mexico to start a new life. 6 months after Justin's death, and I am still trying to compose letters to all of the people who helped us. I have started many times, but it is hard to express my gratitude in words. Their kindness touches my heart and makes me cry every time I think about their sacrifices for me and my girls. I hope to write those letters this month.

I have always held the hope that each new year would bring better things than the last. I think that hope will hold true for us. I am enrolled at a local community college. My 2nd term starts January 12th. (I passed all 4 classes from my first term with 3 a's and a b!!!) I hope to eventually transfer to UNM to finish work on my degree. I am just getting my feet wet with the community college. Right now, I am working toward a degree in medical sonography, and a certificate in medical transcription. I hope to support my family with a part-time transcription job until I can finish my degree. It has been almost 18 years since I have been in a classroom. This will be my first term taking "real" classes, so my transfer will depend on how I feel at the end of this term. I have confidence that I will do well even though the classes are in areas I have never studied. This term I will take: philosophical thought, analytical writing, remedial algebra > :) <, a computer class and remedial chemistry. I didn't take a chemistry class in high school, so this will be a new experience for me! I will need a lot of physics, chemistry, human anatomy, and biology classes for the degree, so wish me luck... Here is a current picture of me. I have aged a lot over the last 6 months and I look terrible! I hope by posting this, I will give myself motivation to take some pride in my appearance. I wear this hat everywhere I go.

Knucklehead number one turned 16 on Christmas day. It is hard to believe she is 16... When I close my eyes, I still see her sitting in her high chair shoving spaghetti into her diaper. She is a lovely girl. She is failing a couple of classes, but I hope she will get it together for the next term which starts Monday. She is a sophomore in high school. She took the PSAT and scored in the 93rd percentile for sophomores and 85th percentile for juniors in all subjects. Not bad. She is a smart girl. Hopefully she will come out of the funk Justin's death and our move from Washington has caused in her life soon. This has been extra hard on her because she was so close to Justin and is also going through teenage angst. She has a ton of potential, though. She is interested in graphic design. She is an amazing artist, she composes her own music, and she is a massive Legend of Zelda freak. I am talking Star Trek type geek. She has dressed up like characters from various Zelda games for Halloween for the last couple of years and she would probably dress that way every day if she thought she wouldn't get beat up! I almost think the cholas out here would embrace her with her purple wig and Medieval garb.

Knucklehead number two is 12, but already is taller than Knucklehead number one and outweighs her by more than 20 lbs! She lives in her hat because she is very self conscious about her super curly hair. Sad, because her hair is absolutely gorgeous when she takes care of it. She is absolutely beautiful. She is a fantastic artist, plays music, and has an incredible imagination. She is in the 7th grade. She took a reading test recently which placed her at almost an 11th grade reading level! She scored in the 79th percentile in all other subjects! She is a super smart girl, just like her sister. She butted heads more than any of us, but she was also the most attached to him. She has taken his death really hard, but has a positive outlook. She is comfortable everywhere she goes. She is super insecure, but makes friends easily. She has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. Knucklehead number 2 is not having any problems in school, thank God! She is getting all a's! Justin and I worried the most about her. It breaks my heart to watch her fall, but she has to learn her lessons the hard way. I know she will be a strong person, but I am afraid she will cause herself a lot of unnecessary grief in her life. She tends to put a lot of trust in the wrong people. She reminds me a lot of myself.

Knucklehead number three... What can I say about this little gem?? She has been the glue holding our family together. Her spirit is amazing. She a wonderful combination of Justin, KH One, KH Two, and me! Thoughtful and sensible like KH One, wild and adventurous like KH Two, brutish like Justin. She LOVES to dance (she gets this from her papa)! The girl has fantastic rhythm! She always wakes up in a good mood. Her eyes smile when she is happy. Reminds me of my Grandma Louisa. When my grandma would smile, her eyes would get all squinty and they would sparkle. She doesn't say many words yet, but she gets her point across. She is talking more and more every day. She will be 2 years old in a week. She is the life of the party everywhere she goes. She even stole the show at Justin's memorial service. She has great timing. She made everyone smile and laugh just when the sadness and tension seemed unbearable.