Nothing overly dramatic happened to us gals this week, but it was an especially hard week for me. Although everyone would agree I am holding up well, I am actually spiraling deeper into depression. I am really good at hiding my sadness. I have been terribly lonesome for Justin. He has been gone 7 months now. It seems like yesterday. In the first couple of months after Justin's death, people called constantly to make sure me and the girls were okay, but now so many months later, everyone has settled back into their lives. Some of Justin's friends and family who were supportive at first, have come to resent some of the choices I made just prior to and just after his death. I don't hold it against them. I have done the best I can with everything. I have definitely made mistakes, but given how completely devastated I am, I think I have done okay. I have too many questions. No matter how I search, I can't find the answers to sufficiently put my mind at rest. I wish they would not hold it against me. Anyway, I have spent a lot of time crying this week. Feeling sorry for myself, the girls, and Justin. We just wanted to be happy, goddammit! I guess that is the way this place is set up, though. I tell myself this is all part of something I am supposed to learn.
My mother has been given notice that she will lose her apartment in the coming months. She is going to be moved into a woman's home. Sounds to me like she is going to be committed. She will live in a facility where people can take care of her. I think it is the best thing for her, really. I feel sad for her, but this is what she has wanted for years. She won't have to take responsibility for herself, and she will be in a place where she won't get hurt. Sucks, though. >sigh<
My grandmother has been in the hospital. She spent her 82nd birthday there. We visited her. She was really happy to see me and the girls. The tiny one had Monkey with her, and made my grandmother laugh the whole time we were there with her. She has a knack for making people feel good! My poor grandmother is facing kidney failure, and something is going on with her lungs. They can't figure out what, but it is making it hard for her to breathe. Getting old is a bitch.
My dad, his brothers, and sisters are taking turns dropping my grandfather off at the hospital. He spends the whole day sitting with her. My grandmother said there is a guy who goes room to room playing guitar for the patients. He is a volunteer. He went into my grandmother's room and said "I hear today is your birthday. Would you like me to play a song for you?". She said yes, but my grandfather asked, "Do you play mariachis?". The man said no, and my grandfather started yelling at him to get out of the room! I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes when I heard this story! Poor guy! I hope I am this ornery when I get old!
I am writing right now to avoid studying for a chemistry test. I think I have wasted a sufficient amount of time. :)
I love you, Valentino De La O, where ever you are................ >sigh<
