Reflections of the way life used to be...

Friday night. I have listened all day to the chatter of couples and friends cementing the details of their various weekend plans: Dinner, drinks, road trips, quiet nights watching movies, family gatherings, trips to wineries, Las Vegas, coffee. I have listened all day to complaints about husbands. "He is so inconsiderate! He never asked me what I thought. HE wants to go out with his friends." All of it makes me sick in my stomach. It is rude and hateful, but I envy every moment of their lives. Everything about them makes the contents of my stomach turn sour. The terrible feeling of jealousy mixed with anger. Jealousy is obvious, but anger... If there were any sacrifice I could make, any prayer that worked, if the loss of voice caused by screaming and wailing at the top of one's lungs would make it possible to change places with any one of them, I would gladly pay any price. I would literally do anything if it could only open my eyes to find myself sitting next to Justin. Face buried in his arm, holding his hand. I would pay any price to have the security of knowing I was loved without question by someone I loved the same way. I would do anything to be in their place. I would treat a good man like a king. I am so ashamed of these feelings, I would not dare tell anyone. The years have left a sad longing deep in my core. There is a huge emptiness in my soul. I am lost. The only relief comes from imagining my own end. As I lay on the ground dying, I see him with the same golden brilliance as I saw surrounding him the first time I saw him. He is walking toward me. He reaches down to lift me. He takes me in his arms and spins me like a small child as I repeat over and over, "How I have missed you..." Tears come from a place so deep it feels like my soul is pouring out of my eyes. There has to be a limit to the number of times a person can cry this way. I think back to all of the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years my soul has spilled my life force out . Is there a final episode that marks the end? Is there a single tear that causes the body to collapse into a pile of dead meat on the ground? I fear this and secretly hope it is true. This may sound bad. I don't mean to say I am trying to steal anyone's husband. My friends have accused me of this since Justin died because I am nice to their husbands. I am nice because they are nice. Just because my friends are mean to them and don't appreciate what great guys they are does not mean that their men are garbage. When Justin was alive. I literally cherished every moment I spent with him up until he started to go crazy. So maybe the last 3 months of his life? Even at that, I was respectful and loving. He shut down which made this supremely difficult, but I still tried. I did hurt him in those months leading to his death. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. My poor behavior will haunt me until the day I die.