Roaches in the sink

So, being naive and gullible is for the birds. I believe I have really done it to myself this time. My new medication has allowed me to sleep, which has brought clarity to my thinking. I see now so many people in my life which take advantage of me. A couple are people I hold very close and dear. What should I do? I like the idealistic part of my personality. The part that believes there is good in every person. But reality is beginning to set in. My parenting skills, my morals and my common sense have been questioned heavily in the last couple weeks. This is heartbreaking to me. My mother was one of the bad ones. She brutalized me. I have done my best to raise my daughters in a non abusive, loving and secure home. So many mistakes, but for the most part I have been successful. At least I tried. This tears at my ego in a super painful way.

And for the man I am in love with... It has been coming for a couple of months now but as usual, I ignored the signs. We went from 90 mph down to 2 mph. Has his relationship improved? Has he found someone who he enjoys? Is he seeing someone else? Is he wrapped in internet pornography? All of these are possibilities. How likely are these scenarios? It is impossible to know what is in another person's heart. I knew Justin better than I know myself, and still I was surprised the day he died. Is my crazy paranoia getting the best of me? My fear of being the last to know? Or perhaps the dullness the medication has given me? Maybe I am too bossy or my insistence to over analyze everything? Maybe it is simply because I am a bitch. A bossy bitch who likes to control everything. I am not beautiful, young or undamaged. My brain is just beginning to show signs of life. No... I am ugly, fat, old and stupid. Who wants that, really? Even Justin, as much as that man loved me, came to hate me in the last couple of years of his life.

Sympathy is not given to mistresses. This is completely understandable. After being on the receiving end of the betrayal, I can say without doubt, it feels like crap. I wished slightly bad things for the women. Not death or physical injury. If someone wants to leave or be with someone else, it is their right as a free thinking human being. Wasting time with someone who does not make you happy is a shame. This leaves a real lack of people to talk to about this. So I post to my only friend and harshest critic. Myself.

Anyway, feelings that have been forgotten since 2000 are resurfacing. And what is most distressing is the feeling I have driven another person away. So many years of seclusion. So many lonely years. Is it wrong to want a chest to lay my tired head on? It is possible I may never find someone who I will feel comfort with. Justin knew me and loved me anyway. Twice in a lifetime may be a pipe dream. Everything might be okay. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing for certain. Time usually tells all. So much emotional exhaustion. Will things ever be good again?