Dear god

Okay. So I may alternate between bitch post and my story. Haha! I don't expect anyone will read any of my silly nonsense anyway. The last entry was intense. I found memories of my childhood taking hold of my heart. They won't let go. So many beautiful things that touched me before I was really aware of the world around me. When I think of these things, the thoughts are always followed by memories of what happened in subsequent years. I find myself overwhelmed with a melancholy desire to hold my child self and the desire to kidnap myself to save the little me. I have never had this type of feeling toward myself. I have felt something similar in the past, but always for other people. In a way, I have felt the circumstances in my life were the result of some pre-life-as-a-human evil. Some sort of celestial atrocity I participated in on a planet far far away. I wrote a letter to god...

I am sorry. The sorry a child feels when she squeezes the caterpillar too hard and it's guts squish out as she tries desperately to poke them back into it's belly. The sorry of someone who has gravely wronged someone only to find that person dead before she had the opportunity to apologize. The sorry a woman who turned her back on her mother feels when she receives a call her mother is gone. It feels trivial to apologize. Please forgive my wretched soul. Please. Please. Please.

You know the horrible things I have done in this lifetime. And presumably the horrible things I did before I came here. I have suffered greatly. Perhaps not enough to make up for anything, but I beg for forgiveness. My grandmother told me you are a vengeful but forgiving god. If crawling on my face for a month would absolve me, I would gladly do it.

The problem is that no matter how sincere my prayers are, you do not answer. Maybe you are, but I am not quiet enough to hear. Maybe I lack understanding. Maybe my life is the answer. I do not know. I have convinced myself there is something I am supposed to learn. I would appreciate a hint.