Twice in a lifetime??

No posts in 2012. It was a crazy year. Ten months into 2013 and I have crawled from my grave. I have asked myself many times recently, "Why now? What is different about this day?" I cannot come up with an answer.

I am 41 now. Justin was the love of my life. I was thoroughly convinced I would never feel love for another person. I feared I might actually waste away alone. I read somewhere many widows die within the first five years of the death of their spouse. Whew...

I dated a little in 2011 which basically consisted of me making the most out of a relationship that did not exist. I am pretty good at that. My first marriage was all about making due. It lasted 8 years. The man I dated in 2011 was a good human being. He was nice, responsible and reliable. We spent a decent amount of time together considering I still had 2 kids at home. Unfortunately, he was not into me at all. I was a novelty. Young and obnoxious. He considered me a friend with benefits, but I don't have any idea what that means. Apparently I am not good at it. HAHA! I wanted to be part of his life. Instead, I was his dirty little secret. This has happened to me before, but this time was truly insulting because I feel after putting up with so much nonsense in my past, I deserve at least a little respect. It is funny that this relationship was over after 6 months, but it took an additional 6 months before I was aware it ended. Knucklehead... I learned a lot from the experience. I will not burst into flames while on a date. Hell fire and brimstone will not rain upon my noggin for kissing a man other than Justin. I am physically able to date and have an intimate relationship with a man without dying. I also learned to recognize some of the behaviors and treatment I can tolerate or overlook if I am treated with kindness. These are huge revelations for me.

One day I accidentally requested friendship with my first boyfriend via Facebook. (I fell into the social networking trap shortly after we returned to AppleTurkey.) He and I had a few conversations which were amazing. It was really fun to reconnect with someone who knew me when I was so young. Amazingly, we still had a lot of the same interests. Through him I found his little brother. This kid stuck out in my memory because his family was somewhat sketchy about him. He was different. He was around 12 when I met him for the first time. I thought he was a cool kid. He liked music that was way beyond what kids his age were listening to. His sense of humor and intellect were amazing. I loved the way he looked at things. He was innocent and wise at the same time. Over the years, I thought about him often. I tried many times to find him. I wondered what happened to him. I worried the world had worked his imagination and creativity out of him. At last word, his parents had this teenage boy on anti-depressants. I was upset. I took them myself when I was his age and they dulled me so much that I lost most of my personality when I was on them. They said he was a very troubled boy. When I was in my early 20's I actually imagined I would find him. I was convinced in my mind he was in a bad place if he were still alive. I wanted to kidnap him to give him a place to live where he would not be judged for being different. I wanted to give him a safe place to blossom and thrive. I am crazy. HAHA!

February 16, 2010 was an absolutely amazing day! I hollered at the little brother for the first time. We had an amazing conversation. He was all grown up. As he recounted his life, the fondness I felt for him as a child turned into genuine warm feelings for the man he grew to be. He pursued his interests and was known for his poetry, writing, comedy, and had become an amazing artist. I was super happy to hear he was okay and had found a way to hold on to the wonderful person he was back when. He helped me with a few school projects. During one project, we spoke on the telephone for the first time. That was it for me. I was hopelessly sprung. He sounded like a man. A soft spoken, thoughtful, funny, smart, and kind man. He loved his kids with all of his heart and stayed home with them to raise them. Lovely! There is nothing in the world that is more attractive to me than a man that loves and cares for his children. I was thrilled at how well we got along and how may things we had in common. Over the following few years, we spoke occasionally. We had some great heartfelt conversations.

Fast forward to Labor Day weekend, 2013. I believe this weekend changed the course of my life. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. July is a difficult month for me. My wedding anniversary is on the 7th followed by the anniversary of Justin's death on the 10th. This year was number five. Five years without the only man who ever truly understood and accepted me for who and what I am. Five years without his compassion and love. By the end of August I was completely done. It is a horrible thing for a mother of three beautiful girls to say, I know. Knucklehead #1 moved out of my home long ago, and #2 was 17 and ready to fly the coop as well. I convinced myself my mother-in-law could provide a good environment for my little one. I had surgery at the beginning of 2013 which destroyed my short term memory. I feel like a dolt. I tried online dating which was suggested by my gay office mate. That was left me with a stalker who wanted to kill me. I was so lonely, hopeless and very very drunk Labor Day weekend. I made arrangements with my mother-in-law to care for my little one "in case something happened to me." I was up late that Sunday night seriously contemplating the least traumatizing way (for my kids) for me to make my exit. As it happens "the Kid" and I struck up a conversation days earlier. I was working on an art project. I asked an open question (more like a statement) to my friends: "Things people aren't telling me while I am alive". I kept it vague to see what kind of responses I would get. My idea was there are many things people wish they said to deceased people when they were alive. I wanted to find out what people thought others would say to them or maybe things they would say to a living person. Everyone who responded to me had a different take on it. The responses were amazing. The Kid's response was extremely candid. He opened his heart. It was amazing (for lack of a better word) and tore into my soul. He was in exactly the same place as I was. All I could think about was I wanted to save him. I asked him to have coffee with me as we had not seen each other since we reconnected. Truth be told, I imagined our meeting would be romantic. I wanted to hold him. Listen as he poured out his guts. Wishful thinking. Haha!

We talked longer than usual that night. I told him I was lonely and wished I had a shoulder to lean on. Although I said this to him many times, this time was apparently different. That night was rich with conversations about loneliness, crying ourselves to sleep, kids, pornography and masturbation. Not unusual topics. Haha! What resulted was an incredible admission of mutual love. Our conversation continued for more than 6 hours. Until the sun came up. I told him all about my fondness for him as a boy, my desire to kidnap him, my thrill at meeting again. He told me about his long standing crush. Apparently, I inspired many drawings over the years : ) I was completely shocked and beyond thrilled. I cannot imagine anyone being in love with me. Back then I was a sad sad girl. Now i am an awkward, dopey, brain damaged widow. Why did this happen now? I ask myself over and over. In reality this is the perfect time. All the experiences I have had since the night Justin stumbled into my room in 2003 nearly paralyzed and I learned of his sickness have brought me to this place. The place where I can give and receive.

I almost never look into the mirror. It brings back memories of black eyes and bloody noses my mother was kind enough to bless me with at an early age. When I look at myself now, the sad deteriorating state of my body is too much to bear. I have damaged myself in the last 5 years as widows often do. But all of that fades when I am with him. As I write this, we have been seeing each other around 2 months. It is unbelievable to me that my feelings for him grow every day. I love him. I cannot bring myself to fully admit it. Admission means I open my heart to annihilation. But then I think of him... He takes me back to a time and place where I could have been happy if I had known what happiness was. I feel youthful and beautiful when he smiles at me with his eyes. He makes me laugh the way I did before I learned how ugly and hateful the world can be. His kisses are long. They are sweet and soft as is his body and heart. The words he says to me are those of a beautiful poet. A loving man. They make me weep. When we are together we cling to each other as though a tornado were about to tear through the desert and rip us apart. I tremble when I hear his voice. It is all I can do to keep from running down the street and screaming at the top of my lungs. I am scared senseless. My feelings and emotions are going crazy. I have not felt in so long this makes me feel like I am losing my mind. Even though he terrifies me I feel hope again. I have started to believe my mother and family were wrong. I am a good person. I have compassion for people. I truly care. I am sensitive. I am worthy. I feel I may have a shot at happiness in my future. I feel as though I have emerged from a dark lonely cave. Blinking my poor tired eyes in the brilliant sunlight.    

In the land of the lost

Another July. Another July. Another July. Another July spent desperately trying to find a reason. I understand I have an obligation to my children, but goddamit. My oldest has been gone for a few years and my 17 year old will fly the coop before the end of the year. My little one is 6 now and really could be cared for by Justin's mother. She is a ding bat, but she has a wonderful loving heart. Should my baby girl be subjected to the secluded meaningless life she lives with a crazy and unhappy mother? Is it fair to her? She is beautiful and deserves so much more than I fear I will ever have the capacity to offer her. My memory and brain problems are getting worse. I don't think I see the point any longer. I used to cherish the brief moments of fun or contentment but all of that is gone for me. I am completely ashamed of the person I am. I feel terrible for Justin and my kids. I feel terrible for my parents. i have caused so much pain and animosity for the people I have loved. I want to go away from all of them. I should go away. My mom always told me I was a curse. As much as I hate to admit she was right...

If only I could find a way to exit without causing a bunch of trauma. My poor kids have had enough. No one else cares. I would be that woman. "Oh she died? That is too bad." At this point my Dad does not want anything to do with me. I tried so hard to build a relationship with him. We hardly knew each other when I was a child. I wanted so badly for him to care about me. Honestly have feelings for me instead of simply obligation to me.

So my therapist insists I do not really want to end my life. She believes I am just desperate for change. I don't know what to think. If I am too afraid of the aftermath, then I am left alone with this choking loneliness. I am impotent. A frightened little mouse as I have always been. My soul is mostly worn out. I am tired. I am ashamed to show reckless ingratitude for my life. If I had cancer, I would be praying to god to live. >sigh< I just want to sleep. God damn me for backing myself into this corner...

I got 99 problems, but...

School, kids, sick, house and pets. I am a glutton for punishment and stress. I survived the 3rd anniversary of Justin's death and what would have been his 35th birthday. Sucky but somewhat better than last year.

I have spoken with a few friends who are experiencing incredibly dumb problems with their significant problems with their spouses, boy friends, girl friends, ect. I don't understand this at all. Sure, Justin and I had problems. I think it is impossible to live with another person without some kind of conflict. Everyone is irritable sometimes.

When Justin was alive, I would always remind myself during the difficult times when his emotions (or mine) were out of control, I loved him. I forgot this during the last 3 months of his life. I cherished every moment good and bad with him for the entire 8 years we were together except those blasted last months of his life. I will always beat myself up over this. I should have taken time to talk with him. I should have tried to pull him out of his emotional spiral. Instead, I gave him every right to believe his wife did not care. What is my excuse? I was busy with work, school, running the kids around, grocery shopping, ect. Sure... I was insuring his physical needs but I completely neglected his need for companionship and love. Were these good excuses? I tell myself they were. I tell myself there was nothing more I could have done. Truth is I was running on empty at the time. I slept poorly or not at all. The stress of caring for him and the girls was too much for me. I had no hope for help. I tried desperately to coordinate a move to Dallas so we could be closer to Justin's father. I hoped he would take some of the pressure off me by taking Justin to some of his doctor appointments.

When I look at my friends, I become extremely frustrated. I want to scream at them: At least you have a partner! Why are you taking them for granted when life is so short and can end in the blink of an eye?! How would you feel if they died suddenly and you were never able to apologize for your stupidity?! You would feel like a worthless piece of shit just like I do. We have to hold on to one another and always remember the things and happenings around us are insignificant when compared with the finalness of death. Death ends the story.

7th Wedding Anniversary

So the day we were married... It was a Wednesday. Right in the middle of the week. I took the day off from work. My mother and I spent most of the day cooking and cleaning. At the last minute, I showered and we were on our way to the courthouse in Bellevue, WA. On the way, I realized I forgot to pick up cash to pay the Justice of the Peace. We drove with my mom and the girls in the back seat. Blaring music as usual. The traffic was terrible. We were waiting on the street right in front of the bank. I suggested to Justin he might get out of the car and hit the ATM. We weren't moving, so he would have plenty of time to jump back in before the light changed. Suddenly he jumped out of the car and ran to the ATM. My mom wasn't expecting this and started screaming "Runaway Groom!!!" She asked me what happened, and I said I didn't know. I played along that Justin had run away. It was hilarious. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe when he jumped back in the car.

We didn't invite very many people to the ceremony. My friend (at the time) Julie, my cousin Pam and her husband. That was it. When we got to City Hall, the doors were locked. Julie pounded on the door like a maniac until someone answered. Again, we laughed hysterically.

The judge escourted us into a room and we began completing our marriage certificate. Pam's husband, Steve took pictures. Poor Justin was in so much pain he looked like he was about to throw up. My mom asked him if he was having second thoughts. He perked up a little and said no.

Justin and I wore the clothes we bought for the fantastic Christmas party we attended at El Goucho in Seattle. As we said our vows, we all began to cry. Our girls were dressed in little white matching dresses. It was honestly the most beautiful and heartfelt ceremony I have ever attended.

Justin and I had lost a baby a couple of months before we were married, and he was very ill. Our marriage was intended to provide a chance for him to see real doctors and possibly find a cure for whatever he had. We knew in our hearts we would be together for the rest of our lives. We didn't need a piece of paper to bind us to one another. It was one of the most beautiful days of my life. : )

So...

More blood tests, more problems. Elevated this and deficient that. Do I know what it all means? No, not really. I hope to be closer to a diagnosis. I will be 40 this year. I have been sick most of my life. It will be good to know what has been tormenting me. Stealing my mobility, and making life a terrible chore. Each new medication makes me super ill until i am used to taking it. Then I begin to feel better. The last med was added last week. Thyroid replacement. Feeling better every day. My joints still hurt terribly. Follow-up with doctor to come soon...

Are the kids alright?

Quite a disappointing month for everyone in the house. Shit does not want to fall into place. Timing is off for everything to work the way we hope it will.

I watched a dumb movie about a widow who went crazy without support. I am beginning to wonder how I am able to cope with my life when the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my therapist. Donno. I wonder why Justin didn't take me with him. He knew I would be fucked here without him. Now I feel obligated to stay here even though in my heart I don't feel I am needed. I hate this town more every day we are here. I feel my optimism for the future being chipped away. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't have any tangible goals. No direction. No hope. I feel July creeping up on me. I hate that the one month I always anticipated as the best time for everything to work itself out is now the month I dread most.

My poor gals are in turmoil. I can feel the stress behind their little smiling faces. It kills me that I am not the mother I wanted to be. It kills me that I can't protect them from all the heartache this stupid place has to offer. A junkie shooting heroin into his girlfriend's neck in the grocery store parking lot. Creepy homeless guys leering at them. All the relatives here are sick and dying from treatable illnesses.

May has always been bad. June? We shall see...

Teenage wasteland

I swear my teenagers will be the death of me... The mood swings that come with puberty make me want to smash my skull with a hammer. When it is good, it is very good. When it is bad, it is very bad. My emotions have finally stopped swinging wildly. Now I have to deal with being out numbered by crazy people. I miss crying on Justin's shoulder. He was my rock. That fucker knew how much he meant to me. He knew how much I would need him. >sigh<