In the land of the lost

Another July. Another July. Another July. Another July spent desperately trying to find a reason. I understand I have an obligation to my children, but goddamit. My oldest has been gone for a few years and my 17 year old will fly the coop before the end of the year. My little one is 6 now and really could be cared for by Justin's mother. She is a ding bat, but she has a wonderful loving heart. Should my baby girl be subjected to the secluded meaningless life she lives with a crazy and unhappy mother? Is it fair to her? She is beautiful and deserves so much more than I fear I will ever have the capacity to offer her. My memory and brain problems are getting worse. I don't think I see the point any longer. I used to cherish the brief moments of fun or contentment but all of that is gone for me. I am completely ashamed of the person I am. I feel terrible for Justin and my kids. I feel terrible for my parents. i have caused so much pain and animosity for the people I have loved. I want to go away from all of them. I should go away. My mom always told me I was a curse. As much as I hate to admit she was right...

If only I could find a way to exit without causing a bunch of trauma. My poor kids have had enough. No one else cares. I would be that woman. "Oh she died? That is too bad." At this point my Dad does not want anything to do with me. I tried so hard to build a relationship with him. We hardly knew each other when I was a child. I wanted so badly for him to care about me. Honestly have feelings for me instead of simply obligation to me.

So my therapist insists I do not really want to end my life. She believes I am just desperate for change. I don't know what to think. If I am too afraid of the aftermath, then I am left alone with this choking loneliness. I am impotent. A frightened little mouse as I have always been. My soul is mostly worn out. I am tired. I am ashamed to show reckless ingratitude for my life. If I had cancer, I would be praying to god to live. >sigh< I just want to sleep. God damn me for backing myself into this corner...

I got 99 problems, but...

School, kids, sick, house and pets. I am a glutton for punishment and stress. I survived the 3rd anniversary of Justin's death and what would have been his 35th birthday. Sucky but somewhat better than last year.

I have spoken with a few friends who are experiencing incredibly dumb problems with their significant problems with their spouses, boy friends, girl friends, ect. I don't understand this at all. Sure, Justin and I had problems. I think it is impossible to live with another person without some kind of conflict. Everyone is irritable sometimes.

When Justin was alive, I would always remind myself during the difficult times when his emotions (or mine) were out of control, I loved him. I forgot this during the last 3 months of his life. I cherished every moment good and bad with him for the entire 8 years we were together except those blasted last months of his life. I will always beat myself up over this. I should have taken time to talk with him. I should have tried to pull him out of his emotional spiral. Instead, I gave him every right to believe his wife did not care. What is my excuse? I was busy with work, school, running the kids around, grocery shopping, ect. Sure... I was insuring his physical needs but I completely neglected his need for companionship and love. Were these good excuses? I tell myself they were. I tell myself there was nothing more I could have done. Truth is I was running on empty at the time. I slept poorly or not at all. The stress of caring for him and the girls was too much for me. I had no hope for help. I tried desperately to coordinate a move to Dallas so we could be closer to Justin's father. I hoped he would take some of the pressure off me by taking Justin to some of his doctor appointments.

When I look at my friends, I become extremely frustrated. I want to scream at them: At least you have a partner! Why are you taking them for granted when life is so short and can end in the blink of an eye?! How would you feel if they died suddenly and you were never able to apologize for your stupidity?! You would feel like a worthless piece of shit just like I do. We have to hold on to one another and always remember the things and happenings around us are insignificant when compared with the finalness of death. Death ends the story.

7th Wedding Anniversary

So the day we were married... It was a Wednesday. Right in the middle of the week. I took the day off from work. My mother and I spent most of the day cooking and cleaning. At the last minute, I showered and we were on our way to the courthouse in Bellevue, WA. On the way, I realized I forgot to pick up cash to pay the Justice of the Peace. We drove with my mom and the girls in the back seat. Blaring music as usual. The traffic was terrible. We were waiting on the street right in front of the bank. I suggested to Justin he might get out of the car and hit the ATM. We weren't moving, so he would have plenty of time to jump back in before the light changed. Suddenly he jumped out of the car and ran to the ATM. My mom wasn't expecting this and started screaming "Runaway Groom!!!" She asked me what happened, and I said I didn't know. I played along that Justin had run away. It was hilarious. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe when he jumped back in the car.

We didn't invite very many people to the ceremony. My friend (at the time) Julie, my cousin Pam and her husband. That was it. When we got to City Hall, the doors were locked. Julie pounded on the door like a maniac until someone answered. Again, we laughed hysterically.

The judge escourted us into a room and we began completing our marriage certificate. Pam's husband, Steve took pictures. Poor Justin was in so much pain he looked like he was about to throw up. My mom asked him if he was having second thoughts. He perked up a little and said no.

Justin and I wore the clothes we bought for the fantastic Christmas party we attended at El Goucho in Seattle. As we said our vows, we all began to cry. Our girls were dressed in little white matching dresses. It was honestly the most beautiful and heartfelt ceremony I have ever attended.

Justin and I had lost a baby a couple of months before we were married, and he was very ill. Our marriage was intended to provide a chance for him to see real doctors and possibly find a cure for whatever he had. We knew in our hearts we would be together for the rest of our lives. We didn't need a piece of paper to bind us to one another. It was one of the most beautiful days of my life. : )

So...

More blood tests, more problems. Elevated this and deficient that. Do I know what it all means? No, not really. I hope to be closer to a diagnosis. I will be 40 this year. I have been sick most of my life. It will be good to know what has been tormenting me. Stealing my mobility, and making life a terrible chore. Each new medication makes me super ill until i am used to taking it. Then I begin to feel better. The last med was added last week. Thyroid replacement. Feeling better every day. My joints still hurt terribly. Follow-up with doctor to come soon...

Are the kids alright?

Quite a disappointing month for everyone in the house. Shit does not want to fall into place. Timing is off for everything to work the way we hope it will.

I watched a dumb movie about a widow who went crazy without support. I am beginning to wonder how I am able to cope with my life when the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my therapist. Donno. I wonder why Justin didn't take me with him. He knew I would be fucked here without him. Now I feel obligated to stay here even though in my heart I don't feel I am needed. I hate this town more every day we are here. I feel my optimism for the future being chipped away. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't have any tangible goals. No direction. No hope. I feel July creeping up on me. I hate that the one month I always anticipated as the best time for everything to work itself out is now the month I dread most.

My poor gals are in turmoil. I can feel the stress behind their little smiling faces. It kills me that I am not the mother I wanted to be. It kills me that I can't protect them from all the heartache this stupid place has to offer. A junkie shooting heroin into his girlfriend's neck in the grocery store parking lot. Creepy homeless guys leering at them. All the relatives here are sick and dying from treatable illnesses.

May has always been bad. June? We shall see...

Teenage wasteland

I swear my teenagers will be the death of me... The mood swings that come with puberty make me want to smash my skull with a hammer. When it is good, it is very good. When it is bad, it is very bad. My emotions have finally stopped swinging wildly. Now I have to deal with being out numbered by crazy people. I miss crying on Justin's shoulder. He was my rock. That fucker knew how much he meant to me. He knew how much I would need him. >sigh<

It's been a long time since I've rocked and rolled

The third anniversary of Justin's death is coming up quickly. The 5th anniversary of Justin's first suicide attempt just passed. My oldest (now 18 and about to graduate high school), moved out of the house in March. My middle one has had a personality change. She is now my right hand gal! The little one is now 4 years old and a sassy as all git-up. Her Daddy would be proud of all of them!

As for myself, 2 1/2 years of counseling has begun to pay off. It has been an ugly torture, but I am beginning to come out of the haze. I will have completed 3 years at the community college here. I will start as a Sophmore at UNM in the fall. I can't believe I have almost 1/2 of the core classes done. This will be a new adventure for me. It has been a time of change for all of us. So far, so good! : )