On to my biweekly existential crisis. Nothing is perfect. This sums up my life the last 42 years. I have written about the man I am in love with. Now the cold hard truth. He is not exactly available. Actually, he is not physically available. Emotionally? Yes. However, he is not single. I tell myself although he has been with his woman for over 10 years, because my state does not recognize common law marriage, he is technically available. I tell myself that despite the fact that he has 3 children under the age of 10, because he is lonely in his relationship, he is available. Truth be told there are many times I wonder what I am doing. I am destroying what could likely be a good situation? Why? Because I am selfish. I have not ever seen myself as a selfish person. It causes me immense distress.
I think about my parents. They always told me the only reason they stayed together was for me. Through all the fights, broken dishes and blood they chose the noble path. For me. I prayed every morning and every night and several times during the day they would divorce. I had a fantasy that he would come home after one of his week long benders. Grab her by the scruff of her beauty-full neck and promptly throw her out. We lived happily ever after. Instead I faced their divorce at 17. By the time I was an old teenager, my father decided he needed to be a "man" who would come home every night after work to drink beer and lay down the law for his reckless daughter who wore too much makeup and had weird hair. My mom would scream and scream. I moved out of their house promptly at the age of 17. I still remember when my mom told me about how my father picked up food on the way home one afternoon. They sat in complete silence eating dinner together. She realized for the first time they were absolute strangers. I remember the tremendous guilt I felt when they divorced. When I looked at them I saw two desperately lonely people who were left to live without all of the comfort that came with knowing what to expect. My dad would drink himself into oblivion and she would scream and scream. I caused this. I should have stayed. Do I want this for Him? Do I want Him to feel the sadness of leaving the comfort he has known for his entire adult life? I feel sick when I think of Him experiencing this kind of pain. Can I bear to destroy another set of lives?
And so I wonder what Justin would say. No. I know what he would say after slapping me upside my head. I feel this is exactly what I need most days. Justin thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He held me to standards so high it would be impossible for any human being to live up to them in a thousand life times. Or would there be no admonishments? Would he instead wrap his loving arms around me, kiss me on the top of my head and say "Oh Mama"? The man says he loves me and wants to marry me. I do not take this lightly. Reality is that if he were single, I would have asked him to move in with us weeks ago. I would most likely be quickly on my way to marriage. I do not take this lightly either. What is the answer? I have no clue. I am not even sure what the question is, really. His happiness is my happiness. His smile is incomparable. The only thing I know for certain is that he makes me feel the fancifulness and wonder of a little girl and the intense desire of a woman.
And panties. Where did they get that name? I imagine because dogs pant when they are excited. Men are often called dogs. They pant when they see women's britches. Therefore britches are called panties? What kind of god allows things such as this??
Insecurity is stupid but it plagues everything I do. I try to interpret and understand people's behavior as well as my own. I give up. Is it important to me these days? Not really. I do not control my destiny. There is no god. There is no justice. All I have is here and now and the feeble hope that I am wrong about these matters. I am wrong often. Very often. Without fail, in fact. For now I shall allow the universe to flow over and past me. Like Balki said, "The wind blows through me like a hollow reed." I will limit my influence on the happenings in my life for as long as much as possible for as long as possible just to see how life will play out.
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