Quite a disappointing month for everyone in the house. Shit does not want to fall into place. Timing is off for everything to work the way we hope it will.
I watched a dumb movie about a widow who went crazy without support. I am beginning to wonder how I am able to cope with my life when the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my therapist. Donno. I wonder why Justin didn't take me with him. He knew I would be fucked here without him. Now I feel obligated to stay here even though in my heart I don't feel I am needed. I hate this town more every day we are here. I feel my optimism for the future being chipped away. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I don't have any tangible goals. No direction. No hope. I feel July creeping up on me. I hate that the one month I always anticipated as the best time for everything to work itself out is now the month I dread most.
My poor gals are in turmoil. I can feel the stress behind their little smiling faces. It kills me that I am not the mother I wanted to be. It kills me that I can't protect them from all the heartache this stupid place has to offer. A junkie shooting heroin into his girlfriend's neck in the grocery store parking lot. Creepy homeless guys leering at them. All the relatives here are sick and dying from treatable illnesses.
May has always been bad. June? We shall see...
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